Hollow Existence
by Howl's Moving Castle
Summary: “He said he respected her. Cared for her. Loved her, but… not in love with her. He had made clear that she was everything to him, his best friend, his life. She was everything to him except that one thing. His lover.”


Summary: He said he respected her. _Cared_ for her. _Loved_ her, but… _not in love with her_. He had made clear that she was everything to him, his best friend, his _life_. She was _everything_ to him_ except _that one thing. _His lover_.   
  
Rating: This is 'PG-13' now, but I may change the rating to 'R' just for future reference.  
  
A/N: Okay this is a Paine-Baralai fiction, just so you can know. And since I see a lot of Tidus-Yuna's or Rikku-Gippal's, I decided that this is going to be a Paine-Baralai. If you have read my other fiction Always is Forever, you'll see it has some things that are close to being the same, but it's completely different. As well, this is pure _tragedy/ angst/ romance/ drama_. Hardly anything will be acknowledged as 'happy times', but it will be at some parts.   
  
As well, this is an AU fiction. No Spira, no Zanarkand, no magic. Just plain New York City and the Earth that we all live in---except for the fact that there is still blitz ball. So I hope you enjoy and continue to read, and if you want you can check out my other fiction Always is Forever.  
  
Thank you.  
  
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**Hollow Existence**   
  
**Prologue  
  
Despair**  
  
Inside, she was inside now, going through the pure white halls filled with strong fluorescent lights being wheeled through the long halls. They were moving fast, as if in state of emergency. She was trying to decipher all of the noises that she had been surrounding her and why she had been in such a mess in the first place. She wanted them to stop touching her. She wanted them to leave her alone already.  
  
Her head felt heavy, her whole body numb and she felt a slight pressure poke into her skin. She didn't feel like herself, she felt _so _lifeless.   
  
She could only remember but little parts of the accident, before blacking out. The little boy, the driver had not seen the little boy in the dark, rainy night. At least that what she could only guess. And she saved him. The way the truck lights had flared in the little boys cerulean-colored eyes before blacking out, he had stood there, frozen, not being able to move until she had moved him out of the way, and instead she felt the impact then blacked out. She could only wonder if the little boy was alright… was he injured at all?  
  
She opened her mouth to speak. To try and ask anything about him… but nothing came out.   
  
They were moving her in faster now, the lights becoming more intense. Everything was happening too fast for her. She couldn't even keep track of anything. Not one thing at all.  
  
'_God, I'm tired. Where… where is the little boy? Is he okay? Is he injured? I need to know exactly what is going on…_' She opened her crimson-colored eyes, looking up at the white-tiled ceiling filling with the florescent lights. The light irritating her eyes, she quickly closed them.   
  
Between everything that had been happening in her life, she didn't think it could get any worse, but it was just the beginning.   
  
"Patient seems to be no older then twenty years of age, female. Suffering from large amount of bleeding coming from the left temple… she seems to be paralyzed from the waist down, no movement whatsoever from her legs, and _no_ feeling."  
  
It was all _his_ fault. _He_ had left her---alone and depressed---was this what a best friend was supposed to do? Make you feel dead, make you feel lonely, make you feel worthless? Make you not care about yourself? Make you slowly ruin your own life?  
  
Right now, she didn't _care about anything_. She didn't care about him, she didn't care about her condition, she didn't even care if this moment would be the last of her life. She especially didn't care if she would never walk again. All she did want was to make everything normal and forget everything that had happened this last few months.  
  
'_I'll just close my eyes, and take a rest… this has to be a dream. It had to be. I'll wake up and all the doctors, all of the lights, everything will be gone. Everything will be back to normal… and I'll be happy again…_'  
  
She let out a deep, exhausted sigh, before drifting off…  
  
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_**Earlier:**_  
  
The second Paine entered her apartment---it was an immediate reaction---she went right down the hall, up the stairs and into her room to change. She only glanced at Baralai long enough to tell him to get the snacks and she would get the movie. And while she busied herself with becoming more 'Paine-like', Baralai decided to scan the loft apartment she kept over her restaurant, _Final Heaven Kitchen_. As he looked it over, he soon found out that it was very much like her in everyway possible. Warm and small---just right for her since she lived alone---, cozy colors that were welcoming---not to girl-ish or to boy-ish--- and that could easily make both male and female feel at home. She had dark wooden floors, and the walls were just a slight colour darker. Small chairs and one long sofa with millions of pillows. Nothing incredibly feminine, yet it held a woman's touch so completely that he could close his eyes a know exactly what gender lived here.   
  
Maybe it was the strong smell of baked bread that drifted from her kitchen and invaded his senses, making him never want to leave again. He headed straight for that kitchen, exploring a few cabinets before his memory reminded him of where the bowls were. He pulled down two round, glass bowls and then opened the drawer where he knew the silverware was held and grabbed an ice-cream scoop as well as two spoons. Before he even had the chance to open the refrigerator he heard Paine's voice, coming from the living room hall. She didn't seem to be quite clear, though he could make out her low profanities that were continuously coming out of her mouth for no apparent reason.   
  
"What's wrong?" He called out, a little amused. "Are you all okay?"  
  
"I'm fine." She supplied, her voice sounding nearer as she talked. "I just... the damn zipper's stuck." She was in front of him now, her face slightly red though he couldn't tell why. Probably she was just a little pissed off. She couldn't be blushing. Paine blushing? That didn't comply right to Baralai. "I really don't want to rip the damned dress. It cost me waay to much money to just throw away. And the I need help. So can you please help?" She asked, her back to him, waiting expectantly.   
  
His eyes casually looked over her smooth, lightly tanned skin. Skin that reminded him of sweet strawberries in the soft light. He then reached out to pull the zipper. He wouldn't allow his mind to take notice of the pale lavender-colored bra back strap just beneath the edge of her dress. Neither did he notice how the dress skimmed along her body like a lover's touch. Instead, he placed all of his attention on the pale lavender zipper that was caught in between equally pale fabric. '_This is your best friend…_' He casually spoke in the crevices of his mind.  
  
"Baralai. Hello, earth to Baralai?" Her voice broke him out of his reverie, just before his hand met the caught zipper of her dress. "Are you okay?" Her voice was slightly patronizing and he could tell that she was fighting the urge to turn around and slug him.   
  
"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that." He mumbled, grabbing the zipper and tugging lightly, making sure his fingers didn't brush her skin. He wasn't sure where his mind had just went but he was pretty sure he didn't want it going back there, so there was no point in letting his digits glide across her back---he'd only be teasing himself.   
  
"I see you've been working really hard, cause your mind seems to keep becoming blank on me." She shook her head, as she shifted her body weight on her left leg.  
  
"Right." He responded absently, now struggling with her dress. It was just a dress. He only had to get it functioning again, he didn't have to help her out of it. A small blush rose up his neck and settled somewhere beneath each of his eyes at the thought.   
  
"If you can't fix it, just rip the damn thing. It's getting me mad." She supplied after a second longer of waiting impatiently.   
  
"Right." He repeated again. He didn't know why he was feeling as such for his best friend, but all he did know that she was marvelous. Though he would only admit that to himself.  
  
"So," Paine continued as waited for him to help her with her zipper. "How do you feel about LeBlanc officially being married and all? Didn't she look even more flawless with her wedding dress on?"   
  
Baralai, finally done with her zipper, sighed lightly. He hadn't really heard what his best friend had said… he was a little too preoccupied with imagining things. "Huh?" He asked, as she quickly ran into one of her rooms, probably to change.   
  
"One minute!" She called out from the room.  
  
Sighing, he walked out, back into her cozy living room. When he heard his cell-phone start to ring. Immediately, he picked it up. "Hello?" He greeted in his deep, inviting voice. Baralai, age twenty-four, was the president of a huge Corporation, one of the biggest corporations that held the number one top spot with business marketing and money. He was rich, he was known for his good looks, he was known for his intelligence, but mostly he was known as the rich, president player. Well, until he met his fiancé, Rikku.   
  
"Hey, babe." Came the reply from the other line of his cell-phone, it was feminine with a thick French accent. It was Rikku. Baralai could hear the scribbling sounds from the other line. She must've been writing frantically, as usual.   
  
"Rikku? Is that you?" He asked, excitement filled his voice. Rikku was an Collage instructor, busy all the time, traveling around as well. She had left him three months ago to visit her sister and go to her wedding in France.  
  
He heard her chuckle on the other line. "The one and only, and guess what?"  
  
"What?" Baralai smiled, humor in his voice.  
  
"_I'm home!!!_" Rikku proclaimed in cheer, her thick French accent filling his ears. "And I want you to come home already! I've been waiting for too long love. And I miss you, so you have to come home and greet your fiancé with a warm welcome." She expressed.  
  
With his soft-brown eyes he looked at his wrist-watch. It was twenty after twelve already. But he had promised his best friend he was going to stay the night… though he wasn't exactly expecting Rikku to do such a stunt. Paine had said she was a little lonely, and they hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks, and Rikku hadn't been home in three whole months. Sighing loudly Baralai had made up his mind. He was sure his best friend would understand. "I'll be there in twenty minutes, okay? I got to go Rikku. I can't wait to see you." They exchanged their byes before he finally hung up his cell-phone.  
  
When Paine came back she was wearing a white spaghetti strap shirt, with matching soft lavender pajama pants that fit her just a little baggy. Her silver-coloured, short hair was in it's usual style. Her light unique-crimson eyes had a mischievous look in them as she hid something behind her back, moving to the DVD player before he could see what movie she had brought for them to watch tonight.  
  
Then she threw herself on her comfy couch, remote in hand and with her crimson-eyes she looked over at her best friend, who still stood in the middle of her living room. "Come on, are you going sit down? Or are you going to watch the movie standing up?" She asked, in her playful tone as she started to eat her bowl of ice cream.  
  
"Well," Baralai hesitated, smiling a little. "I… Rikku… listen Paine, Rikku came home today and I was wondering…"  
  
As he looked at her with his soft caramel-eyes, he felt guilt. Her crimson eyes were looking at him as she waited for him to finish his sentence. He knew that at the beginning of Rikku's absence they had planned this night together. He promised her that he would stay since they hadn't seen each other for the longest, between him going with Rikku to plan the wedding as well as being president of his company, they hardly ever saw each other.  
  
Before he could open his mouth to continue, she spoke instead.   
  
"So you want to go?" She asked, her voice was slightly weak sounding, but she would not break down. "After we had planned-…" She stopped herself, trying not to make him feel more guilty. "_Go._" She spoke, as she stood up, a strange smile on her beautiful features.  
  
Baralai slowly walked over to her. "Paine I _promise_… I…"  
  
She stopped him, the mood of happiness gone, now anger filled in, but she would hide it. Until he left she would hide it.   
  
"Don't." She spoke. "Just go home, don't worry I'll be fine. Promise."  
  
She walked him to the door, not believing how utterly oblivious he was to her feelings at the moment. Oblivious to her… ever since_ she _came into the picture.  
  
"I'll call you later." He spoke before he gave her a little hug, and she closed the door. And as soon as she did close the door, she felt her body go weak, her back slowly sliding against her dark wooden door, finally giving into her feelings.  
  
She pulled her legs up, and curling up in a fetal position. Her body softly shook as she sniffled and cried slightly. All she hoped for was that once, just once, he didn't walk around her making believe that nothing was wrong. He said he respected her. Cared for her. Loved her, but… not in love with her. He had made clear that she was everything to him, his best friend, his _life_. She was everything to him except that one thing. _His lover_. And she was coming to terms with it…_ the hard way.  
_  
She had told herself many times that soon… _soon _she would have a chance with him. One day she would, but now, there was no hope left. Not one little bit of it.   
  
She slowly stood up, before wiping the tears from her cheeks. She was going to learn not to love him, she was going to learn to forget. If he could leave her---his childhood friend---with _such ease_. Then she would learn to let go of him with such ease. One day, she would.  
  
She slowly walked over to her room to grab a pair of pants, and out on her sneakers before putting on her jacket. She needed a cigarette._ Badly_. Plus, it wouldn't hurt her to take a short walk around Manhattan.   
  
Paine reached out for her keys, switched the lights of and closed the door, before walking down the stairs to the dark, rainy outside.  
  
She didn't know that she was going to get into a car accident, she didn't know that everything was going to change. She didn't know that _nothing would be the same again…  
_  
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The last thing she remembered was being overwhelmed by pain, then falling into complete darkness. She still felt as if her body was wracked by the odd discomfort and nausea as earlier. She blinked twice before fully opening her crimson-coloured eyes. Light refracted off the dark, rich crimson color, making them appear eerily beautiful. She sensed that someone was in her room, as she tried to turn around, but found her legs not complying with her at all. They wouldn't move, it was as if she had no control over them. Then it came back to her…  
  
"_Patient seems to be no older then twenty years of age, female. Suffering from large amount of bleeding coming from the left temple… she seems to be paralyzed from the waist down, no movement whatsoever from her legs, and no feeling._"  
  
The tears were threatening to fall any minute. That's it, could anything get any worse?  
  
"Are you feeling all right?" A soft, unfamiliar voice asked, generating from the corner of the room. She turned her head in the direction of the voice. From the corner of her eye she saw a young woman about her age, brown shoulder-length hair, pale skinned, with…_ two different_ coloured eyes---one blue, the other green---looking over her, a worried expression on her face.  
  
Paine swallowed painfully, the dryness in her throat spreading soreness down her esophagus. "Yes, I feel fine," she said, her voice coming out in raspy whispers. She was lying, she honestly felt like crap.   
  
The young girls eyes suddenly had a sullen look. "You don't have to lie." She whispered, her eyes never making contact with Paine's crimson-coloured ones.   
  
'_Who is this girl?_' Paine thought, as she finally decided it was too obvious she wasn't feeling too well. "You're right," She looked straight ahead, her eyes on the pale blank ceiling. "I feel like shit."  
  
The woman nodded, putting a strand of chestnut brown hair behind her ear. She watched Paine with a small guilt building in her chest. Truth was, she felt responsible for the young girl's condition. Her legs being paralyzed, never being able to walk again. Her bottom lip that was slit, she noticed that there was a cut on her right cheek as well. The silver-haired girl looked very young, very child like in her state. Her crimson-eyes looked very blank, as if she were in deep thought. The woman took it at this time to speak.  
  
"By the way, my name's Yuna Higurashi."   
  
Broken out of her revere, Paine let out a ghost of a smile. "Paine Hirano." She voice, trying to sound pleased, but it seemed it didn't work because immediately Yuna's eyes seemed to have a sad, guilty look to them.  
  
"I'm sorry." Yuna whispered, her eyes on the tiled floor beneath her. "I just didn't know where he ran off to-… I was looking but, then… you came and I thank you for it really, but, it was all _my _fault…" She babbled, while the silver-haired woman only rose a brow in confusion.   
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"That little boy that you saved," She began, her voice barely coherent. A picture of the little boy flashed into her mind, she really couldn't remember how he looked, but he was so small, he looked about three years of age. Why had he run into the streets now that she thought about it? "…I really, really thank you for saving him…" She heard Yuna say.  
  
Before Paine could open her mouth to ask if she knew anything about the young boy, her room door slowly opened, two people that Paine didn't know coming into her room. One she recognized though. He had blonde shiny hair, beautiful cerulean-coloured eyes, tan skin, and he was muscular, very handsome looking, looking to be either the same age or a little older than her. Then there was a young boy, he looked about three years old, small and light skinned, with light chestnut hair matching Yuna's and cerulean eyes the colour of the good-looking man who had entered with him. They both walked in near Yuna, the older one behind Yuna, the little kid next to her hospital bed inspecting her, but she was only blank.  
  
Why hadn't there been people here who _knew_ her here? Her family? Her best friend for example? Why were there people here who she didn't even know?  
  
"That's the woman!" The little boy yelled cheerfully, as he tugged on his father's pants. "She saved me from the car mommy and daddy, she saved me from the car!"  
  
Paine snapped back into reality as soon as she heard what the young boy has said. She looked from Yuna to the guy with the blonde hair and then to the little boy. This was his mother and father? They looked so young to have a child.  
  
"Ian, please calm down." Yuna spoke, before once again turning her attention to Paine. She smiled. "Paine this is my husband, Tidus Higurashi and this is our son, the one that you saved," she smiled as she looked at him. "Ian Higurashi."  
  
Paine once again looked over the boy. He was smiling at her, his boyish dimples into view. For the first time that day, she let out a true, genuine smile as she reached out to touch the little boys soft cheek. "I'm glad he's not hurt." She voiced, her attention still on Ian.  
  
Tidus now took this time to speak. "I'm sorry for everything, but I'm really glad you were there to save my son. I mean, how can I repay you?" His voice was filled with a mixture of happiness and grief.  
  
Paine shook her head. "His safely is enough for me."   
  
Yuna stood up. "Surly you need some place to stay while you get cured. I mean, I can help you since you can't walk and all. We can take you into our home for your bravery and for rescuing our son."  
  
Paine smiled. "That would be nice, but… I really don't know."  
  
Ian jumped both up and down. "Please nice lady, stay!"   
  
Paine smiled. '_I wish I could little boy… I really do. Maybe some other time._' She thought, but just as she was going to say something to the little boy, the door once again opened revealing someone that she didn't want to see at the moment.  
  
Someone who she was madly in love with. The one who always made her shed so much tears. Her _best friend_ and his _true lover._  
  
Her eyes turned back to that of little Ian. Paine would just have to learn how to smile. Even when she felt she was dying inside.  
  
'_Even when my heart is breaking…_'  
  
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A/N: Okay, so how was that? Did you like? That chapter was kind of long for me. I liked it though, I think it was good enough for the prologue. Anyways, can I get some reviews, pretty please? And I should have Always is Forever updated very soon. This was the story that I have intended to write for my creative-writing class, except with my made up characters. But I decided to put it up on FF.net to see if anyone liked it. So, _please_ tell me in a review!!!  
  
_Much luv!!!  
  
---Remy  
  
_  
  



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